Poems, Spring 2021

Icing on the Cake

Nuzzle me in bed

Feed me lavender from your palms

As you ponder

My sugary spirit

I’ll tell you what is feminine:

Plump,

Wide-open, 

Rawness

Lingering 

Ruthlessness

Quivering

Jaws

It is my birthday

So you bring me cake

On a dish, 

Glazed

Mother-of-pearl forgive me

For I have eaten twice my weight

And still 

I drizzle greed

On the sheets

- Taut as they are

Pulled-over and smooth 

You grind me down

And all that’s left 

Is gloopy pink

And shards coagulated 

Strung along 

De-boned,

I sliver off the palate 

Rescue me rescue me 

I am dainty I am dainty 

I am varnish, flaking, 

Windows, breaking, 

I am sheen I am gloss

I am wet chin I am moss 

I am snake gone to hide

I am fear I am tide

I am wading gull

Cracking skull 

Let me out, let me eat, 

Forever I beg at the foothills 

I dream of being a strong woman 

All those conversations

All that headspace 

Others would call me strong

They know not the weakness and the poison 

There is so much yet to happen 

I have weathered out storms 

Roaring great storms 

I am punctured and gleaming still 

_____________________________

Let's call it anxious

Nervous nervous so nervous everything is perfect everything is close to just right we fly across continents though none of us are content I harbour raging jealousy and feelings I’m ashamed of I feel alone and corrupted by my bitterness I do not feel that these are noble feelings I do not feel justified or right or true I feel faulty fallible and petty I feel faulty I have not acknowledged my true power my heart beats fast I am confused I see beauty everywhere it is just emotion it is just emotion when do I push myself when do I say no I don’t want to do this when do I stop when do I say when do I stop when do I say I don’t want to do this I don’t want to do this when do I stop when do I draw boundaries when do I when do I when do I lift them when do I let go when do I when do I in the spare room we lived there a long time in the spare room we lived there a long time yes I have cut I have severed I never did anything wrong yes I am frantic I am nervous I do not know how to communicate my feelings -

I feel stuck I feel battered I feel chained I feel dramatic I feel solid I feel liquid I feel tamed deranged conflicted I feel murder I feel bone I feel axle I feel stone I feel cowardly I feel sick I feel bled onto candlewick I feel treacherous I feel bold I feel every shade of mould I feel juicy I feel free I feel hung up on the tree I feel worthless I feel gnarled I feel bark I feel charred I feel flickered I feel clumsy I feel sexy I feel mumsy I feel all I feel none I feel forefinger on thumb I feel wisened I feel hag I feel every dream I’ve had I feel tiny I feel small I feel fates in crystal ball I feel proud I feel lean I feel all this in between I feel peppered I feel jewelled I feel stalked I feel ruled 

- by forces that are not a part of me and there is no way there is no way it is hard it is hard to face these and admit that they are me it all comes from me oh thank you thank you for the chafing

_____________________________

What happens outside of me?

Much of the same 

Much of not much

The thread that keeps it all together

Tangled in stasis

Trapped by own tail

In own mouth

_____________________________

Serpent (and round and round)

Here I am snake I am rising I am scaled I am writhing I am changing I am shedding I am emerging and embedding I can belittle I can belie I can cry and cry and cry I can howl and moan and shiver I can accept I can deliver I can wail and quiver and shout I am eel I am trout I am walrus I am faun I am sprinkle I am yawn I am autumn apple crisp I am thick hide I am mist I am rain on modest bud I am fat cow chewing cud I am saxophone I am priest I am stinking goatherd in Greece I am swallow I am nest I am bitter pulpy zest I am beak I am shoe I am everything and you and all of this all of this exists in a mad haven in the mind of a madman in the mad space in mad existence in the flow and the slurry and the blizzard and the flurry I do what I do and I love what I do I shall not falter I shall not break (I will break oh a thousand times I will break but let that breaking be marvellous let it be a shattering a tinkle a powder a song) oh yes the wonderful delightful shivering joy of being the serpent being the writhing force of nature being stuffed with pain and laughter being unequivocally imperfect being disgusting ugly blemished oh yes I dance and celebrate these thoughts like the ghosts that they are we make a party of it and strip off by the fire we dip into frozen water anew we gleam the forest floor sticking to our bare soles woodsmoke tangled in hair flask of hot chocolate and whisky fresh olive bread and the crackle between us the circle of stone 

*

I am not one I am seven let me while away the hours let me sever my own arm let me live creative let me dawdle and dawdle with glee let me taste let me see I am not one I am god I am goddess I am seed a nut a fruit a tangle a weave a cool breeze a wallowing elephant a mammoth a shark I am day after dark after day after dusk I am a husk I am the juicy flesh and entrails I am a slug I am a battered hen a grub I am a surefire way to success a bottleneck a buzzing tattered bumblebee searching for pollen I am a rune a forgotten song I am a finger puppet I am a doll I am a crucifix restored no more no more no take no more I am the words of my suffering I am crying in stillness I am a roar a shriek a bubble a tweak I am messy and bold and twenty eight years old I am a house laid in bricks I am an old bundle of sticks I am a hornets nest I am Sunday’s best I am a cackle and moan I am a latent gilded throne and woah woah woah what do you have to show - with Spring comes the new day we stand and straddle the new day here we are the new day the new day forcing in forcing a seat at the table undone undone bleeding gums bleeding hearts retribution finger mouth let everything out I want to heal I want to heal put the work in put the work in heal the pain heal the deep pain first accept it first accept its persistence it is deep oh yes it is deep - always I want rid of discomfort always I want to escape from my painful heart oh yes oh yes oh yes - forgotten bruised pathetic used - used to it all - used to the disappointment - no balm or ointment - intricate woven sticky webs I am not one I am seven 

_____________________________

Sustained

Something beyond us 

Has sustained 

Beyond all the upset

The baggage and the doubt

Lies a certainty 

Akin to a forest floor

With soft plants underfoot

River nearby

Roots emerging as trunks

All held up 

By the same force

That spits out 

Flower from seed

That bursts through 

With expansion

With loving

Surrender